After reading in my promises book, God begin to speak to me about
people and friendship; this applies to me but I wanted to share it with you’ll
in case you are having the same problem with trying to reach out to people so
you can have friends.
My problem was I was not only looking for a close friend, a
confidant, as Bishop Jakes calls them, but also someone to satisfy specific
emotions (loneliness, fear, security, love, and happiness); I did not know
about the emotional part. So in doing so, I tried to become friends with
everyone I met; searching more to satisfy the emotional needs than to find a
confidant. But after thinking about these things, God let me knew what my
problem was: I was looking for someone who would satisfy my emotional needs
(subconsciously). Yes, I was reaching out to people to show the love of God
consciously, because the Bible said if you want friends, show yourself
friendly, but the subconscious desire overruled the desire of God’s Word. I am
telling you this so you can check yourself; what is the real motive behind what
you do?
Sometimes, as you can see from what happened to me, we say we are
doing things “In the Name of God,” but are we really? Sometimes we have a
hidden agenda, which will satisfy us, which we are not even aware of. I thought
I just wanted a friend who I could confide in, pray with, etc. but the real
underlying reason was, I was trying to satisfy the above mentioned emotions,
which got out of whack because of my traumatic childhood and abusive marriages.
This “quest,” as I call it, to satisfy those specific emotions mentioned above,
has been going on in me since a child. For all who have read my book, “Unholy Matrimony: Healing For The Abused
Woman,” you know my story, and for those who have not read it, you can
download it from Lulu.com; this is not the time to go into that here. I
am living proof that stuff can be in you for years and you don’t even know it.
I found out that deliverance is a process and God delivers each person
differently. As for me, after I rededicated my life back to God in April 2004,
He began my deliverance process and is still delivering me today from old, old
stuff that was buried deep inside of me. The more I seek after Him, the more He
reveals to me what is going on and what I need to be delivered from. I thank
God for His deliverance and that I can hear Him speak to me to tell me what’s
wrong with me. Many are too proud to ask God for deliverance or think they do
not need deliverance; they are wrong, we can always be delivered from something
– we have not arrived YET! God’s truth is what sets us free, not what we think
or feel; those thoughts and feelings are coming out of a wounded, sin sick
soul, they are false so do not trust them. Our souls must be restored and only
God can restore our souls.
See, God revealed my problem to me because I was always asking Him
to reveal what is wrong in me. I am constantly asking God to purge me and let
the Fire of the Holy Spirit burn everything up in me so I can be effective in
everything He has called me to do.
I am always asking God to check me to make sure there is nothing
going on in me that should not be; asking for His deliverance from everything
from my past that would hinder the call that He has placed on my life. In other
words, I take regular inventory of myself to make sure I am lined up with the
things of God. We must do this Saints, in order to keep our vessels clean and
spotless; we are to be vessels of honor and walk in the character and integrity
of God.
These are the revelations I received from God after He told me
what my problem WAS (thank God, He has set me free from seeking after people to
satisfy the above emotions – only God can heal the damaged emotions in your
soul – that is what He has done for me – Praise God!):
People are incapable of loving you like you think they should; and
God is not going to force anyone to love you because it’s their choice. I found
out the hard way that people are not going to always love you when you love
them; even people confessing Christ. We all have our crosses to bear – one of
mind was people. I had to face reality: just because I had made the decision to
reach out to people, to show them the love of God, did not mean they would
accept it. We are all on different levels and because I wanted to obey the Word
of God, that did not mean everyone was going to join me; again, it’s their
choice – now I know better.
When God does something for me, I am excited and I want to share
it with others so they can be blessed too; but everyone did not receive what I
was saying nor were they happy for me. I learned that sometimes, the person was
jealous of me or they were not ready to go to the next level in God. But I
tried to drag them along with me when God did not tell me too; I was setting
myself up for rejection and disappointment and all other baggage that these
bring trying to satisfy my emotional needs.
Like I said before, you can’t force anyone to love you; only God
can touch the heart of a person but He can’t do anything with a person until
that person give Him their heart. But even then, God will not make anyone love
you who don’t want too and I don't want anyone to be forced to love me; I want
people in my life who will love me for who I am - not be forced or bribed to
love me - that is not genuine love!
These are some things we have to ask ourselves when people don’t
respond to us when we try to reach out to them: How long did it take me to get
to my level? How long did it take me to decide to show the love of God? Well it
might take that person I am trying to connect with longer than it took me. So,
in the meantime, while we are waiting for him/her to respond to our friendship
offer, pray for them and love them. My ex-Pastor in Ft. Lauderdale, Charlie Mae
Carpenter, use to say, “It’s not how people treat you but it’s how you treat
them.” In other words, God is not going to hold you responsible for how they
treated you but how you treated them. In the end, it all boils down to,
"Is this a person you are supposed to be connected with in the first
place?" In my recent message, "Walk in the Spirit," God gave me
a powerful revelation about being connected to people spiritually ("Walk in the Spirit" Complete Series); He used David and Jonathan as an
example - God let me that David and Jonathan has a strong relationship because
they were spiritually connected. This is the key to having a good friendship,
especially is this is going to be a person you confide in. We are to show the
love of God of everyone but everyone cannot be our friends; they cannot be in
our inner circle!! You have people who you meet and are instantly connected
spiritually with (this has happened to me several times) and you have people
who you meet and your spirit man tells you to "run." Therefore, the
ONLY people you want to bring into your innermost circle, have close to your
heart, are the people you are spiritually connected to!! Don't meet a total
stranger and start sharing your heart with!! Let God lead you in all your ways
and you will NEVER be heartbroken again by people!!
When God allow people to do things to us, it’s not about what they
have done; He is after something in us which cause us to react in a certain
manner. Have you ever wondered why God allow all these people to come around
you that “get on your last nerve?” It’s like every time you turn around this
particular type of person is coming up to you and saying the wrong thing –
pushing your buttons. You know why? Because you are going to go round and round
the mountain with that thing until you realize, it’s not about what they are
saying, it’s something within you that God is trying to get YOU to see it needs
correcting – you have a problem. It’s not the person at all; it’s you. Remember
when Jesus was lead before Pilate, and when He was on the cross? They said and
did all kinds of things to Jesus, trying to provoke Him, but Jesus did not say
a word.
So the enemy can use people to come against us all he wants, but
we do not have to respond; we do not have to get offended, which cause us to
react.
I use to say, my ex-husband made me angry – I blamed him for me
being angry because he knew which buttons to push to make me “fly off the
handle.” But God spoke to me and told me he didn’t make me anger, he only
brought out what was already in me. God took me back to my childhood and
reminded me how angry I was as a child – I use to tear up my clothes that my
aunt made me when I got angry with her, slam my bike against the chimney, and
hide under the house and would not answer when I was called, when I got angry;
I would have temper tantrums. I was angry at my mother and father for rejecting
and abandoning me and took it out on everyone else; as I grew, so did the
anger.
Side Note:
I want to stop here a minute and talk to parents; if you have an
angry child (ages 1, 2, or 3 – have to start when they are young) please, take
it serious; discipline them and get them some help (prayer, counseling, etc.).
You might think, “Oh they will grow out of it,” not all the time. I was 2 years
when I was taken from my mother by the court and given to my great grandmother.
Because of this, the older I grew, the bitterer I became. My mother and I had a
chaotic relationship after this until around 1997; she died in March 1999 so we
only had 2 good years together. I thought I would never forgive her; I did not
want to let go of the bitterness and angry – I felt justified. But I thank God I
did; especially before she died! My father and I only saw each other some
holidays and some of my birthdays; we never grew close but I have forgiven him
- even today my father does not want a relationship with me but I still love
him and am moving on by God's grace!
Therefore, parents don’t allow your children to grow up angry and
bitter at you. Please don’t call your children names and say things like,
“You’re stupid” or “You will never amount to nothing.” Also, don’t abuse them
in any way; you can discipline them without abusing them. Parents love your
children and train them up in the way of the Lord and when they get old, His
way will not depart from them. Tell them you love them and show them; don’t
say, “Oh they know I love them.” No, tell them and show them; hug them and show
them affection. Showing them love does not mean you don’t chastise them though;
you must discipline them. God loves us but He does not let us do as we please;
and if we do, we pay the consequence(s). So please discipline your children
now, before it is too late.
Oh yeah, the temper tantrums I had as a child did not go away
after I became an adult; I still had them. When I could not have my way, I
would throw a temper tantrum (it did not matter where I was – at the store,
home, office, etc.); I would yell, scream, pout, throw things, and not speak to
the person I was angry with for days, weeks or longer.
This was because even though I had forgiven my mother, I had not
dealt with the spirit of offense which was planted in me at the age of 2
(although I did not realize it at the time). So every time someone who said the
wrong thing to me or told me “No,” I would fly off the handle, get angry and
unforgiveness for that incident would set up in me; then came the bitterness,
resentment, etc. all over.
So my mother was not the only one I was angry with, I was also
angry at my father and everyone else who did not give me what I wanted, when I
wanted it, and how I wanted it; I got offended with anyone who did not allow me
to have my way. This was due to the fact that my great grandmother, whom I
loved very much (she did in 1974), spoiled me. As a child, although I did not
have a mother or father, I got every material thing I wanted; my grandmother
and aunt (not the one I use to get angry with) made sure I had everything I
needed. I am not blaming my grandmother in a negative way, I said that to say
this to grandmothers, be careful not to spoil your grandchildren to the extent
of causing them damage in adulthood.
Since I got everything as a child, and my grandmother catered to
me, I thought everybody would when I became an adult; but it did not work out
like that – I was tossed to and fro – living an angry adulthood life because
people did not treat me the same as my grandmother did. Now I know they could
not have, it was a different type of love my grandmother had for me than the
world could give; I was so much in bondage then but I thank God for delivering
me.
This is why I can tell you these things; I have walked through
them and I want to help you go through and be delivered too. I never give you
my opinion on anything; my opinion will not set you free but God’s Word will; I
share with you what God gives me. When He say share my testimony, I do; He
tells me to share what is relevant at that particular time. So I am begging you
parents, please help your children grow up to be the best they can be in God.
Love them while they are young so they won’t grow up looking for love in all
the wrong places. So they won’t grow up and allow themselves to be abused or
become the abuser. END SIDE NOTE
Summary of Points:
*Take inventory of your own self; ask God to show you YOU. Ask Him
what is He after in you; the thing(s) that has been holding you up for years
but you keep pointing the finger at others when the problem lies within.
*Stop expecting people to give you what only God can give. We put
too many demands on people; they are not God – they are human. Humans are
fallible, they will let you down but God will never let you down, He is
infallible. People cannot be with you always but God can and will.
*Just because you “show yourself friendly,” does not mean people
are going to receive you or they will do the same. Remember, everyone is not on
your level; everyone has not received that same revelation as you. How long did
it take for you to decide to reach out to people?
Maybe it’s going to take that those people you are reaching out to
longer to come to the revelation you have received. Friendships do not happen
overnight! They must be built on the proper foundation (love, trust, honesty,
integrity, respect, etc.). And everyone you meet is not supposed to become your
friend. Ask God when people come into your life, their purpose. God will send
you the friends He want you to have; then and only then will you be spiritually
connected to the person and not naturally connected.
*Don’t waste your time, energy, and money searching for friends to
fulfill your emotional needs. Use that time and energy to seek first the
kingdom of God and His righteousness then everything else will follow. A friend
cannot fill the loneliness within you, take away your fears, and make you
secure, or make you happy; only God can do that. If you are looking for someone
to fulfill these emotional needs, your soul needs healing. God will go into
your soul and heal you from the wounds of the past; as He did me. Friendships
alone cannot satisfy the deep soul emotions inside of us from the past. When we
expect a person to comfort us, cause us not to be fearful, lonely, or to make
us happy, we put undue burdens on them because they cannot do that – only God
can. I use to look to people for them to satisfy my emotional needs until God
taught me differently. I would get angry at them when they could not “satisfy”
the needs in me but God let me knew they cannot – only He can. When we try to
make people satisfy the things in us what only God can, we are making them our
gods; we are looking to them instead of looking unto God to satisfy us. I had
to repent when He showed me that. People were always hurting me but it wasn’t
the people’s fault, it was mine. I was looking for them to satisfy my emotional
needs in my life (loneliness, fear, love, happiness, and insecurity) and when
they didn’t (because they couldn’t); I would feel rejected – again. Even my
mother and father could not satisfy the needs I had as a child because they did
not know how – they were not taught. Now I see it clearly (because of God
opening my eyes), I don’t blame them anymore. I do not blame anyone who has
hurt me because they could not give me what I needed; only God could/can. I ask
them to forgive me for putting that undue burden on them – a task they could
not possibly fulfill.
I pray that you would
allow the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the inner hurts you need delivering from
and allow God to take you on your journey to obtain your inner healing!!
God bless and may the
peace of God rest, rule and abide in your hearts and minds forever!
Remember, you cannot
have peace without the Prince of Peace and His Name is Jesus! If you do not know
Jesus as YOUR personal Lord and Savior, why not accept
Him today? He is waiting on YOU with His arms wide open!! If you have
back slid, come back to Jesus today! NOW! Rededicated your life back to God;
come, Jesus is waiting on you too!! Time is winding down so don't be lost for
ALL eternity!! There is a heaven and there is a hell and when you die, you will
spend all eternity in one place or the next!! Choose life today! Life that can
ONLY be found in accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior and remaining
in Him until He return for His Bride!!
In His Service,
Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks
