Domestic Violence Series for June 28, 2012 "How do you know if he is really changing?" (Part 2C)

Domestic Violence Series (Part 2)

Explanation of Domestic Violence and Abuse – Intervention Continued:

How do you know if he is really changing? – (Part 2C)

Positive signs include:
• He has stopped being violent or threatening to you or others
• He acknowledges that his abusive behavior is wrong
• He understands that he does not have the right to control and dominate you
• You don't feel afraid when you are with him.
• He does not coerce or force you to have sex.
• You can express anger toward him without feeling intimidated.
• He does not make you feel responsible for his anger or frustration.
• He respects your opinion even if he doesn't agree with it.
• He respects your right to say "no.

Am I safe while he is in the program?
For your own safety and your children's safety, watch for these signs that indicate problems while he is in the program:
• Tries to find you if you've left.
• Tries to get you to come back to him.
• Tries to take away the children.
• Stalks you.

If you feel you are in danger, contact the AlabamaDomestic Violence crisis line. 

C. Six Big Lies
If you hear your partner making these statements while he is in a treatment program for abusers, you should understand that he is lying to himself, and to you.
• "I'm not the only one who needs counseling."
• "I'm not as bad as a lot of other guys in there."
• "As soon as I'm done with this program, I'll be cured."
• "We need to stay together to work this out."
• "If I weren't under so much stress, I wouldn't have such a short fuse."
• "Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding."

D. Counseling
Couples' Counseling does NOT work in violent relationships!
If you are struggling with a relationship, some people may advise you to get marriage counseling, or couples' counseling. While this can be good advice in some relationships, it is NOT good for couples where there is violence. In fact, in many cases, couples' counseling has increased the violence in the home.

Couples' counseling does not work because: 

• Couples' counseling places the responsibility for change on both partners.
• Domestic violence is the sole responsibility of the abuser.
• Couples' counseling works best when both people are truthful.
• Individuals who are abusive to their partners minimize, deny and blame, and therefore are not truthful in counseling.
• Couples resolve problems in counseling by talking about problems.
• His abuse is not a couple’s problem; it is his problem. He needs to work on it in a specialized program for abusers. A victim who is being abused in a relationship is in a dangerous position in couple's counseling. If she tells the counselor about the abuse, she is likely to suffer more abuse when she gets home. If she does not tell, nothing can be accomplished.

If you think you will benefit from joint counseling, go AFTER he successfully completes a batterer's intervention program and is no longer violent. 

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Note: Breaking for July 4^th and will resume July 10^th with “Psychological Abuse” – Happy 4^th of July!!!!! 

Shalom,

Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks