Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Domestic Violence Series for June 26, 2012 "Abusers often try to manipulate the 'system' by..." (Part 2B)




Domestic Violence Series (Part 2)

Explanation of Domestic Violence and Abuse - Characteristics Continued:

Abusers often try to manipulate the "system" by: - (Part 2B)
  • Threatening to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the children.
  • Changing lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner's financial hardship.
  • Telling everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is "crazy" and making things up.
  • Using the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him.
  • Telling police, she hit him, too.
    • Giving false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.
    • Using children as leverage to get and control his victim.
Abusers may try to manipulate their partners, especially after a violent episode.
He may try to "win" her back in some of these ways:
  • Invoking sympathy from her, her family and friends.
  • Talking about his "difficult childhood".
  • Becoming overly charming, reminding her of the good times they've had.
  • Bringing romantic gifts, flowers, dinner.
  • Crying, begging for forgiveness.
  • Promising it will "never happen again."
  • Promising to get counseling, to change.
Abuse gets worse and more frequent over time.

A.    Intervention
Perpetrator Intervention Programs For Abusers
Abusers can enter voluntarily or be court ordered to PerpetratorIntervention Programs. It is important to note that there are no guarantees that he will change his violent behavior. He is the only one that can make the decision--and commitment--to change.

In Alabama, there are certification guidelines for perpetrator intervention programs. Certified programs have completed a standards review process to ensure they meet guidelines. You can contact the Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence for information on these standards, (334) 832-4842.

An intervention program should include these factors and teach:
  • Victim's safety is the priority.
    • Meets minimum standards for weekly sessions (16 weeks).
    • Holds him accountable.
    • Curriculum addresses the root of his problem.
    • Makes no demand on the victim to participate.
    • Is open to input from the victim.
    • Education about domestic violence.
    • Changing attitudes and beliefs about using violence in a relationship.
    • Achieving equality in relationships.
    • Community participation.
In the program, an abuser should become aware of his pattern of violence and learn techniques for maintaining nonviolent behavior, such as "time outs" "buddy" phone calls, support groups, relaxation techniques, and exercise.



Next section posted will be “Domestic Violence Series (Part 2) – “Explanation of Domestic Violence and Abuse” – “Why Do Abusers Batter – Intervention – How do you know if he is really changing” (Part 2C) on Thursday, June 28th.

Shalom,
Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks

Domestic Violence Series for June 28, 2012 "How do you know if he is really changing?" (Part 2C)




Domestic Violence Series (Part 2)

Explanation of Domestic Violence and Abuse – Intervention Continued:

How do you know if he is really changing? – (Part 2C)

Positive signs include:
• He has stopped being violent or threatening to you or others
• He acknowledges that his abusive behavior is wrong
• He understands that he does not have the right to control and dominate you
• You don't feel afraid when you are with him.
• He does not coerce or force you to have sex.
• You can express anger toward him without feeling intimidated.
• He does not make you feel responsible for his anger or frustration.
• He respects your opinion even if he doesn't agree with it.
• He respects your right to say "no.

Am I safe while he is in the program?
For your own safety and your children's safety, watch for these signs that indicate problems while he is in the program:
• Tries to find you if you've left.
• Tries to get you to come back to him.
• Tries to take away the children.
• Stalks you.
If you feel you are in danger, contact the AlabamaDomestic Violence crisis line. 

C. Six Big Lies
If you hear your partner making these statements while he is in a treatment program for abusers, you should understand that he is lying to himself, and to you.
• "I'm not the only one who needs counseling."
• "I'm not as bad as a lot of other guys in there."
• "As soon as I'm done with this program, I'll be cured."
• "We need to stay together to work this out."
• "If I weren't under so much stress, I wouldn't have such a short fuse."
• "Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding."

D. Counseling
Couples' Counseling does NOT work in violent relationships!
If you are struggling with a relationship, some people may advise you to get marriage counseling, or couples' counseling. While this can be good advice in some relationships, it is NOT good for couples where there is violence. In fact, in many cases, couples' counseling has increased the violence in the home.

Couples' counseling does not work because: 

• Couples' counseling places the responsibility for change on both partners.
• Domestic violence is the sole responsibility of the abuser.
• Couples' counseling works best when both people are truthful.
• Individuals who are abusive to their partners minimize, deny and blame, and therefore are not truthful in counseling.
• Couples resolve problems in counseling by talking about problems.
• His abuse is not a couple’s problem; it is his problem. He needs to work on it in a specialized program for abusers. A victim who is being abused in a relationship is in a dangerous position in couple's counseling. If she tells the counselor about the abuse, she is likely to suffer more abuse when she gets home. If she does not tell, nothing can be accomplished.

If you think you will benefit from joint counseling, go AFTER he successfully completes a batterer's intervention program and is no longer violent. 


Note: Breaking for July 4th and will resume July 10th with “Psychological Abuse” – Happy 4th of July!!!!! 

Shalom,
Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks


Sunday, June 24, 2012

Our Desire for God




Our desire for God, will overrule any other desire. Our desire for God, will propel us where we need to be in God. Because of our desire for God, we long for God, to please Him, to live for Him. Our desire for God, makes it easy for us to love the Lord our God, with all our heart, and with all our soul, and with all our mind, and with all our strength; also to love our neighbor as ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). Our desire for God will cause us to push! We will push pass pain, death, sickness, diseases, hurts, rejection, abuse, all situations, all circumstances, financial distress, obstacles, and any other adverse thing that tries to come against us; to take our focus off of God.

Our desire for God, will make us look pass what people and reports say, and see God – we will peek around all those things that say we “can’t,” and we will see God, standing there saying, “You can” because NOTHING is impossible with God – all we have to do is BELIEVE. I don’t care what it is, God is “able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20 –NLT – www.biblegateway.com).

My desire for God has brought me to this point in my life; through many, many, many storms and battles – But God! If I had not had the desire for God, I would have been lost long time ago and I would not be where I am today. At the time, I did not know it was my desire for God, that was causing me to be kept but now I know that was what saved me, from destruction. As God told Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7, He does not see things as man do, man judge by outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. So, God saw my heart, He knew I loved Him and wanted to serve Him. God honored my desire by helping me when I backslid, and that was often, to get back up. The old man wanted me to quit many times because I was tired of failing God, but God would not let me quit; I felt the Holy Spirit in me pushing me forward. I thank God that He does not give us everything we pray for; I use to pray for God to kill me and take me home because my trials were so heavy but God didn’t do that; He kept pushing me – and I thank God, He pushed me – right into my purpose. I look back over my life and see everything I went through was preparing me for where I am now; everything I went through pushed me right into my destiny. And I can honestly say, I thank God for everything I went through because if I would not have gone through, I would not be where I am in God today. Now, I have an even greater desire for God because of my understanding of Him has increased.

When I say desire, I am not talking about some mediocre desire where you pity patty around with your relationship with God – you go to Church when you “feel” like it or only pick up your Bible on Sunday or you are a “Christian” only on Sunday or pray every now and then. I am talking about a desire for God where when you breath, you see God breath, when your heart beat, you feel the heartbeat of God, when you speak, God speaks through you; you long for God. You tell God what David told Him in Psalm 42:1-2: “as the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. (2) My soul thirsts for God, for the living God” (NIV – www.biblegateway.com).

I have decided to pursue God in a greater capacity than I did in the previous years because I have come to the realization that I cannot do anything without God; thank God for His increased wisdom and understanding that is maturing me. With this increased wisdom and understanding of God, came a longing in my soul for God that I have never felt before. I know now I do not have to fear what comes against me because I know God is in total control of my life and my desire for God is pushing me into my next dimension in Him.

What is impossible with God? NOTHING! Who can stand against us? NO ONE! Why? Because we can say as David told God as he was giving Him praise in 2 Samuel 22:2-4, 7 for delivering him from all his enemies and Saul:

“(2) And he said, The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; (3) The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence. (4) I will call on the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies. (7) In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God: and he did hear my voice out of his temple, and my cry did enter into his ears” (KJV – www.biblegateway.com).

I am asking you today to search within yourself, and find the desire of God within you; it’s there – you just have to reach down and bring it up. Maybe you have been through so much stuff that your desire for God is buried (just as mind was – under a lot of “junk”) deep inside but God want to resurrect that desire today. God is using everything you have gone through – those trials, tribulations, hurts, pains, abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc. – to push you to your destiny. Because He sees that desire in your heart for Him, that desire that is buried deep under the clutter, from the things that has happened in your life. God sees you want to serve Him but your past is trying to hold you back; that fear of failure – that fear that is telling you, “Why try anymore, you will only fail.” But God is saying to you today, “Get up and trust Me.” 

God is pushing you into your destiny because the desire you have in your heart to serve Him; that desire keep pushing you forward – don’t give up, keep pressing toward God, keep that desire for God. God is going to use that desire in your heart for Him to bring you through every situation, every adversity, every circumstance; He is going to bring you out of everything that comes against you. God is using the things that you thought would kill you to push you into your purpose and His plans for your life. Be encouraged and keep the desire for God burning in your heart.


God bless you,
Dr. Hooks