Domestic Violence Series
(Part 1A)
I. Introduction
There are too many children
growing up dysfunctional because they have been exposed to violence in the home
at a young age. These children have either witnessed violence and abuse or were
victims themselves and never gotten any treatment or dealt with it. That is why
children that comes from a domestic violence and abuse household are said to be
“the forgotten victims” (“A survey of 6,000 American families found that 50
percent of men who assault their wives, also abuse their children. (Pagelow,"The Forgotten Victims: Children of Domestic Violence,"1989” - http://www.acadv.org/children.html).
The parents or someone else have
told the child to “suck it up,” “deal with it,” or “get over it” but it is not
that simple – the child and no one else can get over the effects of childhood
domestic violence and abuse by themselves!!
Once the child has experienced
domestic violence and abuse in the home or in their environment, he/she will
grow up thinking domestic violence and abuse is normal behavior in a family.
This way of thinking will cause the child to become either the abuser or victim
of domestic violence and abuse when he/she grows up. Here are two sources that
will confirm what I just said is true (my life and many other women I have
counseled is also proof):
1. Circle
of Hope web site (http://www.gacircleofhope.org/effects_on_children.html):
“Children who grow up in abusive homes may become abusers or victims in their
own relationships. They learn from an
important male role model that violence toward a loved one is acceptable. Children who live in violent homes are affected even
if they are not the appointed targets of abuse. Parents often think that their
children are not aware of what is going on at home but from very early ages,
they generally know or sense what is happening. Children who are in crisis as a
result of abuse or violence in their homes may or may not be able to openly
talk about their anxieties, fears and concerns and often act out these feelings
and give non-verbal clues. Problem behaviors are not unusual for children in
crisis, especially those from violent homes. It is important to recognize these
types of behaviors for what they are - a way of communicating how they are
feeling. Their behaviors are good indicators of how they are coping.”
2. An
article written by Dr. Annette Nay, Ph.D., “Living with an Abuser” (http://www.three-peaks.net/annette/Abuser.html):
“Men who abuse women, do so to control them because they do not or will not
control themselves. Abusing others is usually a learned behavior. Children that grow up with an
abuser in the home tend to become abusers themselves because this is what was
modeled for them. This behavior becomes the way to handle life and its
problems. Children in homes where abuse is going on are learning this behavior
now!
The girls are learning to be
doormats to become abused in the future if not already being abused by the male
abuser in their home. The boys are learning to be abusers because that is how
they see this is how they are to treat women.
No matter how lousy the home life
for children living with an abuser, this home life becomes the template of what
home is. When the child looks for a mate, subconsciously s/he searches for the
opposite part of the equation that will reenact the home life atmosphere.
Example: The little girl sees mother verbally, emotionally, and/or physically
abused. The child subconsciously searches for a mate that will abuse her as
Father did mother, even though she desperately wants to get out of her home of
origin because of the abuse. The reason for this is that this is what a normal
home life looks like to her, she knows no other. A happy loving relationship is
foreign She will be abused, feel worthless, and her children will learn these
behaviors and continue the cycle one generation after another.”
It is imperative as the parent to
give and show your child(ren) the love and care they need while they are young!
It is the parent’s responsibility to let their child(ren) know they love them
and will protect them no matter what!!! This is to the parents: if you are
still in the abusive relationship, not only do you need a safety plan but your
child(ren) need one (will discuss in more detail later and give you a sample
plan for you and your child).
This information that I will be
sharing with you over the next couple of weeks will show you what happens in
detail to your child(ren) when they are victims of or witness domestic violence
and abuse. This detailed explanation will help you decide whether you will stay
with your abuser or leave; you will see the effects your decision will have on
your child(ren) in the long run. Remember, your child(ren) safety is at
stake!!! The choice is yours and you as a parent also have a responsibility to
protect your child(ren) from ANY hurt, harm or danger – DO NOT CHOOSE THE
ABUSER OVER YOUR CHILD(REN)!!! If you do, it will cause dire consequences
for you and them!
I know from experience that when a
person is in an abusive relationship they cannot think straight; their mind is
wavy. But when their child(ren) is in danger, that should cause their parental
instinct to kick in enough for them to seek help for the child(ren) which in
turn will get help for them also. Therefore, I beseech (plead with) you to seek
direction from God to get you out of that abusive relationship!! Pray to Him so
He can lead you to the right people, agency, church, clergy, etc. (whatever way
He wants to use to bring you out). I know God will bring you out because He
brought me out of seven abusive marriages and numerous abusive relationships
(family, so called friends, etc.). Know that you are not alone!! God cares what
happen to you! He did not put you that abusive relationship; that was your
choice but He is there to get you out. When I said it was your choice I am not
saying abuse is your choice. You got into that relationship looking for love and
happiness but the guy (or woman if you are a man) deceived you and were most
likely sociopaths so now they are abusing you. It is not your fault! You do not
deserve to be abused!! I know about making the wrong decision in choosing a
mate; I chose seven to marry and they all ended up deceiving me and abusing me.
All I am saying is don’t allow them to continue to deceive you! Think of your
child(ren)! The decision you make will affect them too!!
There have been too many abusive
relationships ending in tragedy – abuser killed the whole family and then
his/herself.
ABUSE IS NOT LOVE!! This is the basic definition of
the word “abuse” from dictionary.com:
1. To use wrongly or improperly;
misuse
2. To treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way
3. To speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4. To commit sexual assault upon.
5. Obsolete - to deceive or mislead.
6. Harshly or coarsely insulting language
7. Bad or improper treatment; maltreatment
2. To treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way
3. To speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4. To commit sexual assault upon.
5. Obsolete - to deceive or mislead.
6. Harshly or coarsely insulting language
7. Bad or improper treatment; maltreatment
You do not deserve to be treated
this way!!! Dr. Myles Munroe said, “When purpose is not known, abuse is
inevitable” and that is so true! It is apparent that the abuser does not know
the purpose to the relationship he/she is in! They do not know how valuable you
are to God!! If they did, they would not abuse you!! You are very valuable to
God! He made you in His image (Genesis 1:27) for His glory! Not to be abused!
Don’t subject yourself and your child(ren) to an abusive environment! It is not
worth it! Staying in an abusive relationship will destroy you and your
child(ren)! Know also that God loves you and your child(ren) and He made you’ll
fearfully and wonderfully (Psalms 139:14). Again, God does not want you’ll to
be abused!!!!
Next section posted will
be “Domestic Violence Series (Part 1B) – “Introduction” on Tuesday, May 29th.
God bless,
Dr. Hooks
