Domestic
Violence Series (Part 2)
Explanation
of Domestic Violence and Abuse Continued:
IX. What Can You Do If You Suspect
Someone You Know Is Being Abused? – (Part 2A)
Most
people remain silent about the issue of domestic violence. Very few people
identify themselves as abusers or victims. Victims may be silent about the
abuse because of embarrassment or shame, or for fear that their batterers will
hurt them if they tell other people about the violence. Abusers often minimize
their actions or blame the victim for provoking the violence. Both victims and
abusers may characterize their experiences as family quarrels that “got out of
control.”
All
of us are bystanders and witnesses to different forms of abuse, and it can be
extremely challenging to learn how to help those we suspect are being abused.
We do not want to create even more conflict or provoke the abuser. Speaking up
on behalf of someone we see being hurt is not always the safest or smartest
thing to do. And sometimes the person being abused is not ready to disclose
what is happening to them or to draw attention to their situation.
If
someone declines to discuss domestic violence issues, consider whether the
silence may be due to a fear of the batterer or to cultural, racial, or gender
issues which make it difficult to talk about such personal experiences.
A
person wanting to help a victim of abuse is best able to do so after first
familiarizing her/himself with the challenges posed by the problem. These
include emotional, safety, legal, economic, and social challenges faced by the
victim. Awareness of safety issues is critical. This web site and its links can
be a helpful starting point.
However, there are some things that
you can do to help...
1. Talk to the person you think is
being abused, but only when her partner is not around. Approach her in a
non-blaming, non-judgmental, and understanding way. Tell her she is not alone
and that there are many women like her in similar situations.
2. Say things like “I am worried about
you and your safety” or “I’m concerned about the safety of your children.” If
the person does not respond or minimizes your concern, respect it in the
moment. But try again a few days or weeks later.
3.
Offer to be helpful. Ask what would
be helpful to them. A victim/survivor is in the best position to judge her
needs especially from a safety standpoint. Her decisions should be her own.
4.
Offer to listen.
5.
Use supportive language.
6.
Don’t say bad things about the
abusive person. Don’t lament that she got involved with this person. This
“blames the victim.”
7.
Don’t say, “I would leave the
relationship if I was in your situation.”
8.
Remind the person that they deserve
to be happy and healthy in their relationship.
9.
Remind the person that no one should
treat them in a hurtful manner, and they deserve to be treated well. Tell them
domestic violence is a crime.
10.
Use your local resources. Contact
your local domestic violence agency for help in dealing with the situation.
11.
Provide the person with resource
information like the number of a domesticviolence hotline or agency.
12.
Be patient.
Allow her to make her own decisions. You may want the person to leave the
relationship, but it has to be her decision. She might not leave right away. (See Other reasons WhyVictims Stay).
13. Stay in her life by being supportive and by creating a safe
space for her to talk about her situation.
This page is geared toward women
because the majority of domestic violence is perpetrated against women.
However, it is important to emphasize that violence happens to others as
well—and—is equally unacceptable. Reference for this section: http://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/stopping-abuse.html.
Next section posted will be
“Domestic Violence Series (Part 3) – “Effects of Domestic Violence on Children
Victims/Witness” (Part 3A) on Tuesday, July 31st.
May the
blessings of the Lord run you down and take you over! Shalom!
Dr.
Dorothy E. Hooks
