Once you get to the point in your life
where you have dealt with the effects from the abusive relationship enough where
you feel you can now get into another relationship, make sure the things listed
before are done BEFORE you do (I am
only listing three things – this is what God gave me). Remember, full recovery
can take a long time so don’t get discouraged if it seems like your recovery is
not moving along quick enough; recovery depends on how affected you are from
the abuse or whatever other traumatic experience you have encountered!! Three
things to do BEFORE going into
another relationship; God has set you free from the bondage of domestic
violence/abuse so you want to make sure you stay free:
1 1.
Make sure God
has totally delivered and healed you from previous abusive relationships – you
have to deal with each relationship issue so you can obtain closure BEFORE
going to the next relationship! Your deliverance and healing is not
going to happen overnight (it is going to take some time) so be patient and
don’t be in a rush to get involved with someone new! Give God time to work in
you so you can receive the inner healing you need!! After you come out of the
abuse, your emotions are ram shackled, you are vulnerable, you are NOT thinking
clearly, you are feeling afraid to step out on your own (although you were
abused, you had someone in the house with you), you want to be held, you are
feeling alone or don’t want to be alone, you are thinking “I can’t make it
without him” or “I can’t make it by myself,” etc.; you will have many, many,
many thoughts going through your mind but the most important thing to remember
is that you have escaped with your life by the grace of God out of the bondage
of domestic violence/abuse! You have been through a lot so God has to take
things out of you and put things into you so you can be restored; therefore,
let Him do His work. God got you in the palm of His hand and He will NEVER let you go – He will carry you
through your recovery process!!
The effects from
the abusive relationship is NOT
going to go away just because you are not dealing with what happened to you –
the traumatic events will lie dormant in you and as soon as something similar
happens to you it will trigger what you previously went through – sometimes
these triggers will cause you to lash out at others (whether you are in a
relationship with them, friends, family, etc.) – you may think that you are “okay”
but please, deal with whatever has happened to you in the past that affects
your emotions!! I know what I am
talking about because it happened to me years ago AFTER being out of an abusive marriage 26 years before; I had not
dealt with the abuse I suffered from that marriage. I had a roommate and we got
into an argument while she was taking me to the VA hospital one night; I kept
telling her to be quiet because I did not like to argue because it reminded me
of the previous abusive marriages I had been in (one in particular which
happened in 1973 – it was 1999 at the time). She would not stop arguing at me
and before I knew it, everything went black (I blacked out) and when I came to
myself, I was beating her on the head while scratching her face and ears – she was
screaming at me to stop, and the car was going all over the road! I begin to
apologize profusely and she said that God let her knew what had happen; why I
did it.
The arguing
trigged the abuse memory from 26 years before and had me thinking I was
fighting the abusive husband and I was fighting for my life!! It was like I was
actually back in 1973 fighting with him; that had never happened to me before
and have never happened again, thank the Lord!! I am glad she was driving
because if I would have been driving and that happened, we would be dead
today!! The mind is a powerful thing and it is hard to forget, especially
traumatic events – when I say forget, I mean getting to the point where it does
not hurt to think or talk about it! I cannot stress
not to go into another relationship before God has delivered and healed you
enough! I use to do go from relationship to relationship and each one would be
abusive; the only thing that was different was the abuser! My rationale was I
would go with the new guy to make me forget the previous one – all that did was
keep me in bondage and cause me to become a ticking time bomb! I can laugh at
myself now – how silly that wasJ - that shows
how twisted my mind was – that logic does not make any sense – it does not
work!!
I want to share part of my deliverance/healing
process with you: When God delivered me out of the last abusive marriage in
October 2006, He immediately delivered and
healed me from the bondage of domestic violence; God broke the cycle of abuse
off my life – as I said, I would go from one abusive relationship to
another but after God brought me out – I did not get into another abusive
relationship – and have not been in one since – that is how I know I am free!!
The enemy had me thinking I could not live without a man; I could not make it
without one – I had been constantly told by many of the abusive husbands that I
could not make it without them or that no one else wanted me – like they were
doing me a favor by being with me!! Ha! What a joke!! The enemy will try to
feed us all kind of lies; that is why it is so important to get connected and
stay connected to God and allow Him to bring the person He wants to be in your
life!! Not that God make us marry anyone (that would go against our free will)
but God knows who we is compatible with us and will put people in our path but
it is up to us to choose them or we choose someone else on our own!! It makes
perfect sense to allow God to bring the right person into our life since He
knows the heart of every man and woman!!
The next thing God delivered and healed me from was
unforgiveness – I literally hated that last guy who abused me; I could
hear, see, or read his name and I would cringe – rage went all through me – now
that took a while for me to get rid of but God brought me through!!
Then God delivered and healed me from one thing
after the next; it was like He had a checklist checking off stuff that I needed
to be delivered from but I know He did not – He is God and He knows EVERYTHING
– He just knew what order I needed to be delivered in! After God helped
me go through the effects from the abuse, God then begin to work on me
personally (my self-esteem and identity) – God wanted me to know who I was in
Him because my identity had gotten lost in the seven abusive marriage and other
relationships I had been in! In the process of working on me personally, God
took me back to when I was a child and begin my deliverance and healing process
from my childhood issues – He went age by age; at one point, God took me back
even before I was born and let me knew what was happening with my mother. I am
continuing my deliverance and healing process now since I did not years ago; I
thought I was “okay” because I had went through years of deliverance and
healing but I found out I was not “okay” when I started having triggers that
threw me back into rejection, abandonment, and neglect from my childhood – this
happened because I never had a relationship with my parents. God let me knew
that rejection was the real root of my problems throughout my life! I am glad
to be back on track; I am not looking back at what I should have or could have
done, I am moving forward NOW and
allowing God to finish the work in me! It has taken me 6 ½ years to
get to this point in my recovery process and I have some ways to go still; but
life is not a race and I am willing to allow God to do what He has to do in me
so I can be free from everything that I was not set free from in the past;
everything which tried to steal my destiny God has for me!! Our responsibility
in our recovery process is to allow God to do what needs to be done in us so we
can be delivered and healed and live the abundant life Jesus died so we could
live!
I had layers and
layers and layers of issues from my childhood/adulthood (as I said abandonment,
rejection, and neglect from my parents but also seven abusive marriages which
added to my childhood abandonment, neglect, and rejection; sexual assault; and
the issues goes on and on! So you see, I know what I am telling you in this
message is true – first because God gave me this message and secondly, I
experience them! God delivered me
and healed me from the bondage of domestic violence and abuse and He can and
will do the same for you if you allow Him too; if you open up to Him and don’t
hinder His deliverance and healing process God has set up for you – just let
God have His way in you – He will let you know when the process is over so
don’t assume like I did!
You might say,
“I have not been abused” but it does not matter what your traumatic experience
was or is, God can deliver and heal you!! I know there is NOTHING too hard for God!!! I am a walking miracle; I would have
been dead long time ago if God would not have protected me – even when I had
backslide God did not turn His back on me, He loved me and still is loving me
to wholeness!! God sees me as being whole because Jesus has made we whole;
therefore I have partnered with God to do whatever it take for me to receive
the full manifestation of His promises (my wholeness) in my life while I am
here on earth!!
2 2. The second thing to do BEFORE you go into another relationship
after the abuse is make sure your child(ren) are totally delivered and healed
from the effects of the domestic violence/abuse you
suffered and they witnessed; get them into
counseling as soon as possible! Although you might not think the child
was affected, he/she was affected – the
child might not show it now but it will be displayed as he/she grows older (and NO, they will NOT outgrow it – it is
hidden in the back of their minds) – just as you are affected by the abuse,
your child is too!! Also, your
child can be affected long-term from the abuse just as you can!
3 3. The third thing to do BEFORE you go into another
relationship after the abuse is to find out why you were drawn into the abusive
relationship(s)! In other words, what is the root cause of you getting into the
abusive relationship? The majority of the time, the root cause will be
something that happened in your childhood which altered your emotional well-being
such as rejection, sexual abuse, etc. If rejection, abandonment, and neglect are
not dealt with, its effect will spill over into your adulthood! Therefore, ALL childhood and adult issues must be
dealt with and resolved! Going from one abusive relationship to another is a
symptom that is coming from the root cause (most likely rejection and where
rejection is you will find abandonment and neglect – these are spirits and each
spirit has its own group or other spirits which are connected to it)!
Remember, we are wrestling not against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, and spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12)! Get rid of the root cause and you will get rid of the symptoms – symptoms will not return!! Since the root cause feeds the symptoms once the root cause is gone, the symptoms will go! As I said before, these are spirits you are dealing with, therefore you do not know the root cause but God will bring all things back to your memory as He did for me as to reveal the root cause! If you don’t deal with the root cause of your childhood/adulthood issues and the symptoms, they could lead you back into abusive relationships; keep you in the cycle of abuse and you will remain in bondage! Sometimes there can be multiple root causes (a primary and secondary); it was for me!
Remember, we are wrestling not against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, and spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12)! Get rid of the root cause and you will get rid of the symptoms – symptoms will not return!! Since the root cause feeds the symptoms once the root cause is gone, the symptoms will go! As I said before, these are spirits you are dealing with, therefore you do not know the root cause but God will bring all things back to your memory as He did for me as to reveal the root cause! If you don’t deal with the root cause of your childhood/adulthood issues and the symptoms, they could lead you back into abusive relationships; keep you in the cycle of abuse and you will remain in bondage! Sometimes there can be multiple root causes (a primary and secondary); it was for me!
I pray as you read this message that you
allow the Holy Spirit to touch your heart and mind so He can reveal to you what
you need to deal with in order for you and your children to walk in total
healing and health; so you all can be delivered and healed from EVERY past hurt and bondage! I pray
that His peace, love, joy and every fruit of the Holy Spirit will flow
unrestrained in your life! I ask these things for you all in the Mighty Name of
Jesus, Amen!!!
Additional
Resources about domestic violence:
May God bless you and keep you!
Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks
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